I love being a mother. However, being a mother with a family of 6 on an income that could only support possibly 2 comfortably makes it to where I am in the house A LOT! And where yes I am sure I could find plenty of things to do with my children that is free. Having an autistic child makes that task not so easy. It becomes more stressful than fun. For not only me but my children. Cameron while very high functioning still cannot handle crowds well. Common trait of autism. So going out in public stresses not only me but him which in turn makes my other children cranky and it just spirals out of control from there. So what am I left with. Being in the house 24-7.
So this leads me to my present state. I go through moments of happiness that is indescribable. Mainly because I now have something incredible to look forward to. March cannot come fast enough. Yet I am not completely ready.
My diet isnt going as well as I had hoped granted my present roller coaster mood has much to do with that. Then there is the worry of money. My friend has offered to help out in a way that I am both so grateful for and also there is a nagging guilt. See what I mean roller coaster. None of what is going on for me is cut and dry, black and white. No it is all a mushed up blend of gray.
The only thing keeping me sane at the moment is my new found friendship. I didnt think I would ever find a friend like her. There is this peace that comes to me when I am speaking to her. Which most likely explains my overwhelming obsession with doing so HA! In the mist of all the kaos, stress and sorrow in my life is this wonderful sense of peace. This calming center. Now if I can just find a way to spread that throughout the rest of my puzzle. Connect each piece to form a complete picture of happiness.
If only..........if only
- Mood:
crazy - Music:Sorry for myself by Jann Arden
Spend The Day With Me
Hum to me a joyful tune
filled with happy waves
of high reverberating sounds
and low rumbling notes
Read to me your poetry
words flow like ribbons in wind
circling in my mind
like bright sparkling wishing stars
Spend the day with me
lazed upon the grass
laughing through the madness
crying from the joy
How your words bring me such pleasure
and your songs bring me such peace
Sing to me your poetic song
Spend the day with me
By Dominique Burnett
- Mood:
peaceful
My heart thumping in my chest
The rush of morning almost too much to bare
Hesitantly I stand
Looking around I feel lost
Is this home for me?
No one to greet me hello?
The house is still like a cemetary
I feel a chill
Like icy fingers trailing down my spine
I walk one foot in front of the other
Glancing at the familiar unknown
I see a light in a room ahead
Perhaps there is someone for me there
My steps quicken hand reaching out
I open the door
My heart sinks
No one here
I run quickly from door to door
Met by the same emptiness as the room before
Sinking to my knees I weep
I am alone
I wake up, a tear still lingering on my face
My heart thumping in my chest
The familiar feelings reemurge
Suddenly footsteps fill the air
A little child appears screaming with laughter
The sun peaks through the curtains
Was I dreaming?
The child calls out 'Mommy!"
Leaping into my arms I kiss the sweet cheek
Two more children appear
Same jolly laughter and joy on their faces
With each kiss given
Reality settles in my mind
My heart steadies
The air feels warm and cozy
This, this is home for me.
- Mood: content
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